What If I Doubt, or Have Been Hurt by Church?

Two doors, one room

Some of you are here because of doubt. You wonder whether any of it is true, you have questions you are afraid to say aloud, or you were once certain and are no longer. Some of you are here because of hurt. A person, or a congregation, or a system that called itself Christian caused you harm, and the word church now carries a charge. Many of you are both. We have put these together because they often travel together and because they have the same first answer: you do not have to leave your doubts or your wounds at the door.

First, to the one who has been hurt

We will begin here, because pain comes before argument. If someone in a church abused you, lied to you, shamed you, silenced you, used your trust, or watched harm happen and did nothing, we are sorry. That should not have happened. It was wrong then and it is wrong now, and it is not your fault. We will not ask you to hurry past it, and we will not tell you that it was not as bad as it was.

The Bible has harsh words for religious leaders who harm the vulnerable, and Jesus reserved some of His sharpest rebukes for them. He spoke of those who load heavy burdens on others and do not lift a finger to help. He said it would be better for a person who causes a little one to stumble to have a millstone hung around his neck. This is how seriously He takes what was done to you. If you can believe nothing else yet, believe this: the heart of Jesus is on the side of those who were hurt, not those who did the hurting.

“The LORD is nigh unto them that are of a broken heart; and saveth such as be of a contrite spirit.”

“He healeth the broken in heart, and bindeth up their wounds.”

He is near to the brokenhearted, and He binds up wounds. These are old promises, and they are not flattering clichés. They are the way the Bible describes what God is like. Healing after church hurt and does Jesus understand church hurt? are longer and slower companions, and church hurt names some of the patterns plainly.

What church hurt is not

It is not the same as Jesus rejecting you. It is easy for the two to fuse, because people spoke in His name. But those who harmed you did not represent Him faithfully, and the Gospels show over and over that the people who most resembled Him were often the ones the religious establishment despised: the tax collector, the woman at the well, the outcast, the leper.

It is not a sign that you are a bad judge of character, or that you were naïve to believe. Trusting people is not a defect. Those who abuse trust carry the guilt.

It is not a reason you must return to the place that hurt you. In some cases, going back would be unsafe, and nobody should ask you to. Forgiveness is not the same as reconciliation or returning to danger; forgiveness without returning to abuse says this carefully.

And it is not the last word on what the church can be. The church at its best is a family of imperfect people who are learning to love, and there are communities that are healthy, honest, and safe. You may need time before you can look for one, and that is fine.

A way to go slowly

If you are ready to take a small step, you do not have to start with a building. A few gentler options:

• Talk to Jesus directly. You can pray in your own words, including your anger, without any institution in between.
• Read the Gospels on your own. Meet Jesus apart from the people who misrepresented Him.
• Find one safe person. A friend, a counselor, or a pastor you can trust who can hear your story without defending anyone.
• Consider professional help. If you experienced abuse, a trained counselor who understands spiritual wounds can help. Seeking that is wise, not weak.
• When you are ready, visit slowly. Sit near the back, leave early if you need to. Visiting a church for the first time and how to choose a church can help you look for the signs of a healthy one.

Now, to the one who doubts

Doubt is not the failure it is sometimes made out to be. The Bible includes doubters, and some of its most precious moments are their conversations with God. Take the father who brought his sick child to Jesus, and who said something that is among the most honest sentences in Scripture.

“And straightway the father of the child cried out, and said with tears, Lord, I believe; help thou mine unbelief.”

He believed, and he needed help with his unbelief. Both at once. Jesus did not scold him, and He healed the child. If you have ever felt too doubtful to pray, this man gives you your sentence.

Then there is Thomas, who would not believe the resurrection until he saw the wounds. He said so out loud, in front of his friends. A week later Jesus came and gave him exactly what he had asked for.

“Then saith he to Thomas, Reach hither thy finger, and behold my hands; and reach hither thy hand, and thrust it into my side: and be not faithless, but believing.”

“Jesus saith unto him, Thomas, because thou hast seen me, thou hast believed: blessed are they that have not seen, and yet have believed.”

Jesus did not shame Thomas for needing evidence. He met him, showed him, and invited him to believe. Then He added a blessing for those who would believe without seeing, which is a word for all of us who were not there. The pattern is that honest doubt, brought to Christ, is met with patience.

Kinds of doubt

It helps to ask what kind of doubt you have, because they need different responses.

• Intellectual doubt. You have questions about the evidence, science, history, or the reliability of the Bible. These are real, and Christians have thought hard about them for centuries. See is Christianity true?, does science disprove God?, and honest questions. You are allowed to take your time and read widely.
• Moral doubt. You struggle with the existence of suffering, with violent passages, or with things done in the name of faith. These are not trivial. The Bible itself voices them, in Job, in the Psalms, in the cry from the cross. How Jesus responded to doubt is a helpful place to see how He handles it.
• Emotional doubt. You believe in your head, but you feel nothing, or you feel God has gone silent. This is common, and often it comes after loss or exhaustion. It is not always a problem to be solved. Sometimes it is a season to be walked through.
• Doubt that follows hurt. You cannot tell whether you doubt God or simply doubt the people who represented Him. Often the untangling takes time and a patient friend.

Deconstruction

Some readers are in the middle of what is called deconstruction, taking apart a faith they inherited and deciding what is worth keeping. It can be a lonely and frightening process. A few things we would offer: you are not a heretic for asking. Not everything you were taught was the heart of the faith; some of it may have been culture, politics, or one tradition's habit. And the center of the faith, Jesus, is still there when the rest is sifted. Deconstructing Christianity is a place to start reading, and Christianity for people who doubt is written for you.

What the Bible says about seeking

Faith in the Bible is not the absence of questions. It is a way of trusting while still asking. And it comes with a promise to the searching.

“And ye shall seek me, and find me, when ye shall search for me with all your heart.”

“If any of you lack wisdom, let him ask of God, that giveth to all men liberally, and upbraideth not; and it shall be given him.”

If you lack wisdom, ask, and God gives liberally, without scolding. The King James Version says that He upbraideth not, which means He does not hold your asking against you. You are welcome to come with a handful of questions. He is not afraid of them.

What you might do next

You do not have to resolve everything to take the next step. A few options, depending on where you are:

• If you are in pain, tell one safe person your story.
• If you are doubting, write down your three biggest questions and take one at a time to a thoughtful believer, or read about it.
• If you are unsure whether you want to keep going, read the Gospel of Mark in one sitting and see how it lands, apart from any institution.
• If you would like company, how Living Bread walks with you describes a place to be with believers without pressure.

And if what you are carrying feels too heavy to hold alone, please reach out. If you are in danger or thinking of harming yourself, go to the help now chapter first.

Where to go next

More on the site: Church hurtHealing after church hurtHurt by the churchCan Christians doubt?How to deal with doubtBible verses about doubtIs it okay to doubt God?

Back to the whole guide: How to come to Christ