For the parent doing the sacred, ordinary work
My Child Asked About Dying
It can catch you off guard, a small voice at bedtime or in the car asking, will you die, will I die, what happens when we die. Your heart lurches, and you wonder what on earth to say. First, breathe; this is a normal and healthy question, not a sign that something is wrong. Children think about big things, and the fact that yours is asking you means they trust you with it. You do not have to have a perfect answer or hide your own feelings entirely. You can be honest, gentle, and hopeful all at once. Death is real, and it is sad, and for those who belong to Jesus it is not the end. I am the resurrection, and the life, Jesus said; he that believeth in me, though he were dead, yet shall he live. That hope is exactly what you get to give your child in the middle of a hard question.
“Jesus said unto her, I am the resurrection, and the life: he that believeth in me, though he were dead, yet shall he live:”John 11:25
“Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.”Psalm 23:4
“Jesus saith unto him, I am the way, the truth, and the life: no man cometh unto the Father, but by me.”John 14:6
“He shall feed his flock like a shepherd: he shall gather the lambs with his arm, and carry them in his bosom, and shall gently lead those that are with young.”Isaiah 40:11
Start here, gently
Be truthful in a way a child can carry. Avoid confusing phrases like Grandpa went to sleep or we lost him, which can make a child afraid of sleep or think the person is misplaced. It is kinder to say plainly that the person's body stopped working and they died, and then to give the hope: if they loved and trusted Jesus, they are with Him now, more alive and more happy than ever, and one day we will see them again. Let your child feel sad if they are sad; do not rush them to be okay. And do not be afraid of your own tears; showing that grief and hope can live together teaches your child something true. It is also fine to say, I do not know everything about heaven, but I know it is good, and I know God can be trusted.
What actually helps
Match your words to your child's age and to what they are actually asking. A young child usually wants reassurance more than information: am I safe, are you safe, will we be together. So lead with security: I plan to be here for a very long time, and no matter what, God will always take care of you, and nothing can separate us from His love. Older children may want more detail, and you can give it slowly, following their questions rather than flooding them. Keep coming back to the anchor: because Jesus died and rose again, death does not get the last word for those who trust Him. Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, the Psalm says, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me. That with me is the whole comfort; even in the dark valley, no one who belongs to God walks alone.
Where this leads: the Jesus who welcomed children
Everything hopeful you can say to your child about death rests on one event: Jesus walked into death and came back out, alive, on purpose, so that death would not be the end for the people He loves. He is not offering your child a vague sense that everything works out; He is offering Himself, the One who conquered the grave. I am the way, the truth, and the life, He said. When your child asks about dying, you are being handed a chance to point them to the only One who has ever beaten it. You do not have to pretend death is not sad; you get to tell them it is not final. Death is the valley; Jesus is the shepherd who walks His lambs all the way through it and out the other side into light.
Questions people ask
How do I explain death to my child honestly but gently?
Be truthful and warm at the same time. Say plainly that when someone dies their body stops working, and give the hope: those who love and trust Jesus are with Him and more alive than ever, and death is not the end. Avoid confusing phrases like went to sleep. Let your child feel sad, and reassure them of God's care and your love.
My child seems scared of dying. What should I say?
Lead with security, because a scared child is usually asking am I safe and will we be together. Reassure them that you plan to be around a long time, that God always cares for them, and that nothing can separate them from His love. Point to Jesus, who beat death, so they learn that for those who trust Him, death is not something to be terrified of.
What if I do not know the answer to their questions about heaven?
It is fine to say I do not know everything about heaven, but I know it is good and I know God can be trusted. Children do not need every detail; they need honesty and reassurance. Follow their questions rather than overwhelming them, and keep returning to the anchor that Jesus rose from the dead and death is not the final word.